Learning to Let Go and Thrive!

Peeps in the back ground, me sporting new diamond earrings! Merry Christmas :)

Sooooo, my intentions of sharing my journey of weight loss and adventures went side ways.  I found myself unable to communicate the changes as they were happening because I really only had energy to keep moving forward everyday.  I have had Writer's block, editing block, picture taking block, heck even fictional reading block. Boooo!! I LOVE doing all those things but any kind of mental effort required beyond counting my reps in WODs or making up a grocery list was just too much effort at all.

One reason, I'm sure, was my silly hang up with "doing things perfect".  Who's standard? My own obviously.  I am someone who only likes to do a project if I know I can make it absolutely perfect. What is my definition of perfect? Well if I wouldn't buy it, read it, give it or want it.... it's less than professional and therefore not perfect. What comes from that? A life time of procrastination, unfinished projects, unsent gifts and cards(sometimes I just couldn't find the "perfect" words to write in a card!) and therefore missed memories. It makes me sad really.  One thing I have learned about myself over the last few months of huge personal growth and change is this: Let Go. Everyday I find myself having to face the workings of a mind that likes to please everyone, be everything, anticipate and fill every need then still expects to get a good sleep at night. So I have to constantly remind myself to Let Go. It's my little sanity mantra for the next while until it becomes second nature. Here are some questions for you;  What do you Let Go of? How do you Let Go?

1) What do you Let Go of?

I've decided, anything that creates stress in my mind and therefore body!! Well let's be realistic, somethings you have to face and deal with. For example, your dog breaks his leg and you have to get him to the emergency pet hospital after hours. Are you really going to put him down and say, "sorry pup, I'm making a choice to Let Go of stress so you're on your own dude!", obviously not! You have to face the situation but you can Let Go of guilt, money panic and your own fear of incompetent vets.  Those emotions won't serve you and if you are a faithful follower of Cesar Milan, they certainly won't serve your dog in a healthy balanced way either. Catch my drift here? So what am I working on letting go of? haha the list is loooong my friends! The depths of my own mind's created chaos runs deep but here are a few things.

Some things I have Let Go of successfully that were everyday stress sources for me:

Massive fear of terminal cancer, fear of food, fear of the scale, anger at my mom, anger regarding my brothers death, the act of mourning my brother, hating my image in the mirror, telling myself I'm disgusting and not worth the effort, looking for symptoms of being sick.

Few things I have almost Let Go of but still have to stop and work through:

Feeling I have to fill every need and demand, saying no and not feeling guilt, my to do list obsession, over thinking conversations and fearing that I somehow might have offended someone during said convo (weird right!?), anger at injustice.

2) How do you Let Go?

This is a work in progress for me. I take a big deep breath and ask this: Am I stressed about this thought/task/situation? If yes, you need to let it go. I start by recognizing the stress and then looking at the way it is serving me. For example,  a dead line that is stressing me out can be very motivating to complete the job so that's a good thing. I can create more stress though by feeling that not only do I have to meet the deadline but I also have to tick off 5 things on my list of other things to do. This is not a good thing and usually has me running around completing nothing and feeling like a failure. Then I ask,  what is the priority? The project deadline. What else must I do in the day that is absolutely necessary? Walk the dog and feed the family. Reduce the stress further by saying "Sorry family, Momma is busy with a big priority today and we are eating pizza tonight." I let go of clean the bathrooms, call my mom, unpack the boxes from our move last week and "I must make a home cooked meal otherwise I will be considered a lousy mother and wife and all other 25 items on the list.

Where is this blog topic going? Back to why I haven't been writing, shooting, editing or creating.  What was the priority? Fitness of body and mind. What had to be cut off the to do list? Everything besides basic human needs for myself and my family. Seriously. Everything else was a distraction.  To make the big changes I was looking for I had to give big effort. That commitment to self has been paying off for sure!! I'm 25lbs less and 4 sizes smaller but most importantly I look in the mirror and smile :) How I learned to smile before the weight came off... thats another blog topic!

Running 800's with a Yorkie is not a good idea ;)

NOTE: found this as a draft from back in June!! Thought I would post it now anyway. 

My little guy, Captain Awesome

So here is my work out from yesterday:
800m Run x 4 with a 4min rest in between each run. For time.

My results were as follows:
5:36
4:22
4:17
3:56

I ran this first 800m with my dog, a Yorkie named Captain Awesome. he doesn't like to run :) I think he knew I needed a slower pace out the gate to get my legs under me! Thanks CA!!  My second run felt surprisingly ok.  Let me state that at 175lbs, my body hates running! I used to love the feeling of freedom in hitting the road with long powerful strides while my mind took off to comfortable relaxing places and my body instinctually moved.  Now I have a slower than snails pace with short choppy strides. I breathe like I imagine a rutting pig would and since I forgot my music I was forced to listen to it! Gah!! I have had a continuous battle with my shorts crawling up my inner thighs exposing me so every 5th stride is a slight leg kick out to the side to release the shorts from the trapping of my thighs.  Its a weird bizarre looking gait I'm sure. I hope it looks like I'm happily skipping along and doesn't look like the tragic struggle it really is!  Last week I went out and bought a pair of tight "yoga material" shorts with the intention of finding a short that wouldn't creep up..... it worked and freed my mind to focus on running, not on feeling exposed. Anyway, back to running: the third run was tough but I shocked myself by improving on the time again. Sooooo for my 4th run I set out to crack the 4 min mark.  I almost quit half way through!! This moment of desperate desire to quit but not giving in is what brings me to my choice of topic today.

Getting your mind healthy and believing you are capable and worth it!!

I am now 8 weeks into this latest commitment to physical activity.  Starting and stopping has been a constant  5 year struggle.  I always do too much too soon and end up injured or waaaaay too sore.  This go around I have my husband training me and taking the tough choice of how to scale my WOD's (workout of the day) out of my hands.  Even trainers need trainers. 

Starting here.....

So what prompts some one to start a blog?? Obviously different reasons fuel different people.  My motive…to share my journey of weight loss, fitness goals, food planning and lifestyle changing with whom ever cares to read it.  Why?  Because I think when we struggle with certain things we tend to feel alone.  At least that’s how I feel a lot of the time.  I battle daily with the temptation of food choices, priorities and motivation.  I am the mother of a fit athletic daughter, the wife of a fit athletic man and CrossFit gym owner. I am CrossFit certified in Level 1 Coaching and Olympic lifting. I am friends with handfuls of really stinking fit people, including the Fittest Woman in Canada.  You would most likely expect to meet me and shake hands with a lean fit woman. I am not lean or fit and that is where I feel alone.  I tell clients you need two base things to be successful in your fitness goals.  Patience and commitment.  Neither of those things I have given myself.  I have stopped training people until I reach my own goals.  How can I expect clients to implement the tools I give them if I’m not making use of those tools myself?  Although I am a wealth of knowledge and fitness passion under this shell, my book is wrapped in a cover that doesn’t portray the accurate contents.  Yes we all judge a book by its cover…. Especially in the health and fitness world. Soooooo, here is where I address my hang ups, fears and self sabotage and bring to life the things I have been dreaming about achieving over the last several years. 

Weightloss:

I miss being healthy and confidant.  I miss the feeling of jeans that slide on effortlessly and seductively over your hips, hugging your body in all the right places with nothing hanging over the top. They button up with ease and in fact, although tight on your quads, they fit loose on your waist and hips.  Simplicity of a soft, worn white tshirt, just long enough to reach the top of your jeans.  It doesn’t need to be any longer because if it rides up a bit….. what's underneath is sexy and lean.  Sitting down with out a belt buckle digging into your stomach and leaving an imprint that only fades after a nights sleep. I miss the feelings of soft supple skin instead of lumpy rough skin on my butt cheeks.  How about the luxury of a morning stretch and running your hand across your lean abdomen, just because if feels good!  Freedom of jumping and not worrying about you belly popping out of your shirt.  The look a man gives as he admires your physique, not in a rude way but just pure open appreciation.  The toughest part of trying on a bathing suit was picking the colour.   Wearing shorts and sitting down without worrying about cellulite squishing and someone noticing.  Sweating during a workout and having your t shirt left wet in the armpits and low back area…. Not a big damp spot from your belly button.   Smooth skin… did I already mention that?? Turning on the bathroom fan so the mirror doesn’t fog up because you don’t mind the view when you step out of the shower.  Short shorts in the summer.  Yes I have spent the majority of my life lean enough to know these statements intimately and in fact instinctively.  It sometimes happens that I will be walking along, confidant and loving life, when I catch a reflection of myself in a store window and it stops me dead in my tracks.  When did I get fat?? How did I get here? I assure you I didn’t set out to be fat.  This wasn’t my plan. I try to run fast and am shocked to feel the weight slowing me down.  My brain forgets the limitations of this shell I’m living in.  There is an athlete under here I swear.  Most of the people in my life now have only known me for the past 6 years and at this size so I imagine I look normal to them.. To me… I look like a different person.  They don’t know that I used to run sand sprints at the river for fun, shoot hoops, play soccer, kick box,  bike ride, walk every where, swim frequently and work out all the time.  How would they…. My body tells another story.  The journey of how I got here… Irrelevant right now.  Just know that 6 years ago I stopped moving my body .  Within 6 months I had put on 45-50 pounds.  I have gone up and down 10 and 20 pounds but always coming back to where I am now.  With aprox 32% body fat and aprox 50 pounds over weight, I am actually classified as obese.  WHAT !!?? Keep in mind for the majority of my life I have had to eat major amounts of calories just to maintain a healthy weight and now, I’m obese.  I don’t make any apology for talking about the view, feel and discomfort of being over weight.  My intention isn’t to hurt anyone but to give you my true observations so that you might know that you’re not alone.  My 50lbs to lose is the same as another persons 100lbs and as another’s 10lbs.  Yes it is, mentally.  It’s all relative.  Sure the 100lbs person has a further physical way to go but mentally the journey is the same.  Helpless, frustration, not know where to start or what to do.  I guarantee you those 3 people have the same struggle with their body image. 

My commitment to this permanent change started in January 2010 with the choice to eliminate gluten from my diet, followed by sugar and now dairy.  I make a few exceptions along the way. I will blog more on that later.  In March 2010 I was shocked that those dietary changes didn’t have any impact on my weight at all.  That’s when I made the commitment to training regularly again.  Here we are June 2, 2010 and a few pounds have moved off but hardly any.  Enter in my “estrogen dominant state”.  Yes, there is a legit reason for holding the weight.  Another blog topic!! I have made some great leaps and bounds mentally and I hold desperately to the science that tells me if I just keep moving I will see change.  If I let go of that I have nothing but a hopeless state of acceptance.  I cannot live well and thrive with that thought so I refuse to believe that I was meant to remain in this state of obesity for the remainder of my life.

So there you go.  Join me on my journey.  Along the way I plan on changing a few things and passing on the things that work and things that don’t work.  I have some goals I would like to share and a keen interest to know what is working for other people.  Plus I’m actually kinda funny so you might get a few laughs along the way!! Comments and debate are always welcome as long as they maintain respect for others.  Thanks for spending some time with me!