right now

Too busy to blog right now with all that has gone on in the last 18 months for me!! One day soon I will continue the story…

Working on my massive to do list, my fitness (like Fergie up in da club… wait… not like Fergie cuz I'm not in the club but I like to say that line, it sounds cool) , getting my life together, reconnecting with my neglected extended family and trying my best to run this little business adventure called CrossFit Taranis! woohoo!

Quick bit...

I have been working on a new blog post for about 2 weeks now.  It's the history of my journey with food and my weight/body image evolution.  It's proving to be a long one and a difficult one to write.  Sorry for the delay.  I have to keep taking breaks from the emotional turbidity that looking back is creating.  A huge positive is that I keep going back to the post and adding more.  I am not running from the discomfort and once I move through a stage I'm letting it go so the only pain being created truthfully is the tightening of my hip flexors from sitting in this stinking chair! gah! 

Here is a quick project I did one day just for me.  Audrey Hepburn is one of my favorite women in history. Her class, talent and contribution to helping the human race always inspires me. I printed this poster out and hung it on my wall of inspiration.  This is a wall right behind my computer screen.  I can always see some of the things I find inspiring in my vision at all times.  I don't even have to focus on them, just the hazy vision of my peripheral view is enough to enjoy the message.  We find inspiring things all around us.  We quote them, clip them, post them and carry them around.  Find something inspiring in yourself to add to that collection.  Personally, it's the first picture of me that has been taken in 8 years that I like, feel good about and don't feel the need to hide.  It is symbolic of a lot of changes that were happening for me this past September.  One of those changes was seeing myself as a person of unlimited possibilities.  I'm Possible.  Yes I am.  So are you :) 

Jeans, OHSquats, and FRAN

Terrible cell pic of my new jeans!

I have decided that one post I will give you a bit about my the present day adventures I'm having, and then in the next post, a bit about the journey over the last several years that gave life to this blog in the first place.  I have to continue to share the present day stuff since it keeps me going and charging a head fearlessly is the proof in the pudding that what I am doing is working.

First of all: Until today, I only had one pair of jeans.  I wear jeans almost everyday of the week, so I am wearing my one pair of jeans out fast. They were a pair I got in the end of September that have been slowly getting bigger on me. I was looking to buy some other kinds of pants, maybe a cargo or a cord but honestly I just love blue jeans. I have track pants and sweat pants for WODs and coaching but otherwise, give me denim.  Buying a second pair of jeans had been in my mind for a while but I wasn't sure my ego had evolved enough to go through the pain of jean shopping. In recent years it seemed that they all look pretty on the rack until I pulled my size from the back of the rack. I would try them on, somehow be shocked at the size of my ass in the 3 way mirror and leave the store sans jeans and quickly shove the tears back with the first chocolate bar or piece of fudge I could find. Not fun and totally counter productive. Anyway, this December, while Christmas shopping, I ventured into a little boutique downtown, Mangos.  Right away I noticed high end bags and beautiful boots and shoes. Peeking at me from a rack in the corner of the store was the sparkly pocket of a pair of designer jeans that were simply calling my name. "Go ahead Sully, test your ego" I thought, after all, there is a chocolate shop on the next block." So I pulled a size I was hoping to fit from the middle of the rack and quietly asked for a change room.  Hellooooo Lovelies!!! Ok, first off all, they are a size 30 aka size 10.  In the world of Sully 10 years ago, the thought of my body at a size 10 was laughable and horrifying at the same time... I was then, a size 5 and very particular about maintaining that. Little did I know that a few years later I would be a 14+.  Back to the size 10, I have this to say WAAAAHOOOO!! I'm sure most women would be trying to squeeze down just one more size, not this Momma! I'm a frikin' size 10 people! My quads and glutes don't fit skinny jeans very well but a boot cut designer with just a touch of tasteful sparkles on the pockets... looks goooood! So as I'm doing the holy crap happy dance in the change room, trying very hard to not shriek out loud and fall over in this tight little change room and tight little jeans,  I hear the sales lady say "would you like to use the butt cam?" HUH? Saaaay what? Butt Cam?? I quickly poke my head out the curtain to stare right into the face of a woman who knows all too well the signs of a happy dance by the fluttering change room curtains and mirror bouncing on the adjacent wall. I boldly say "Yes. Show me the butt cam." I have NEVER been into a store that has one of these!! A camera behind you and a tv in front of you so you can get the full view baby! I swoon with delight at my size 30 butt! Sounds dramatic right. Not when you love the skin you're in Ladies! I did a little shimmy and a little shake and giggled ridiculously while stating,  "this is the best sales pitch ever!" So you can imagine how heart broken I was to hand them back and walk out of there empty handed since my name wasn't on my list of shopping, and commitment to household budget forced me to put them out of my mind.  All in time. January hits, I have a few GC's from Christmas and managed to squirrel away a couple of bucks for post season shopping.  My husband wisely advised me to only buy jeans if they are on sale since I am constantly changing shape right now.  Great point Babe, thanks, see ya!   He actually agrees with me on the point that you have to dress the body you're in with pride but knows that dropping $140.00 on a pair of jeans I might shrink out of in a couple of months might be wasteful.  I used to only buy the cheap clothing($ 20 jeans) because I thought I either didn't deserve the good stuff or didn't plan on staying big so spending too much moola was a waste. sigh. Until and while you make the change you still need to look and feel good.  Buy good quality clothing on sale if you can!  Anyway back to today, doodiieedoo (thats the sound of me strolling downtown maybe, just maybe strolling by the store with the jeans) uurrrchh....what do I see!? A big sign in the window of said store that says 50% ALL DENIM. Well guess what I did? New Jeans.

Ok, Over head squats. I LOATH doing them in a WOD with running because then I'm wearing my running shoes, not my lifting shoes and then my feet are incredibly unstable and I'm cursing like a trucker because OH squats are hard enough never mind unstable feet! frik! Added to this WOD, my favorite male nurse, Focker aka Andrew Roodbol, was making me laugh during my OH squats so then I was really unstable. He actually distracted me from the foot issue so... well if you're reading this Focker, thanks you big jerk! :)  Some of you may be saying, well Sully, unstable feet will help you prepare for the unknown and the unknowable. If you always lift in lifting shoes how are you going to be able to manage in an emergency situation without your lifting shoes... hmmm Sully, how? (insert your smirky smart ass face here if you would like)  Answer : Adrenaline. Gets a body thru every time. Next time that WOD comes up, Im going with the lifting shoes. I will let you all know how it goes.... Wait! I do have advice on the wonderful OH Squat.  Too many times I see people looking at the ground while trying terribly hard to keep that bar over head.  Look out at a point in front of you.  If you look down, your chest falls forward and then so do the arms over your head.  Keep the core tight.  If you collapse in the core, same thing, chest falls forward and arms follow suit.

FRAN:

21-15-9

Thruster m-95lbs w-65lbs

Pull Ups

Dear Fran, you frighten too many people. Stop it would you. Just be nice. Life is much better that way but then I suppose nobody talks about you and thats what you're all about Fran, people making a big fuss and saying you're a somebody.

For those non CrossFitters perhaps reading this, Fran is THE bench mark CF WOD.  A CrossFitter either knows their Fran time or can't wait to get their first Fran time so that at the next CrossFit gathering  they too can answer the question "What's your Fran time?" A good Fran time is a fairly good indication of your CrossFit ability and fitness level. This past Wednesday was my first date with Fran as RX'd.  My Fran time, 6:16. I will take that all the way to the bank for sure!! My modification had always been a band to complete the pull ups.  Getting in and out of the band slows you down not to mention the pull up is then assisted and therefore modified and not "as rx'd".  Obviously as I lose weight my pull ups get better.  I am working on the speed coming down from the bar.  I tend to control the decent and therefore slow down, this leads to fatigue and dropping off the bar more often than I would like.  One thing controlling the decent does for you is "works the negative" and helps build strength.  This is a great thing to practice using a jumping pull up.  Jump up, chin over the bar and then lower yourself down as slowly as possible to full bottom position, then do it again. I used to add these into my pre warm or post WOD routines all the time and believe they made a huge difference for me even before weight loss.  I was able to do unassisted kipping pull ups at 175lbs.  Try it in your mix of tricks, see where it gets you ;) So back to my Fran time. I am proud of it but of course want a better one. Sub 6 mins next time Fran.

Thanks for Hanging out with me :)
Sully

Midnight WOD and random thoughts of taking a direction

Nothing like a WOD at the stroke of midnight to bring in the New Year!

I had a great time last night with a bunch of my crazy friends! We gathered, wodded (well they did, I took pictures and cheered) and toasted 2011 with chocolate milk. If I am in town for New Years Eve next year, I will certainly be doing this again! Thanks you to all the peeps that were able to make it to the WOD, you really started my year off in such a great way :) More pics and highlights of the event will be posted on the Taranis blog in a couple days.

I actually did my wod earlier in the day.  It was Murph.  I did it for the first time, full volume.  Holy crap Batman! It took me 62:10 to complete, my body was so exhausted after I actually had to have a nap. Ya, a nap! For those wondering what is Murph: 1 mile run, 100 pull ups, 200 push ups, 300 squats, 1 mile run. After my nap I started thinking about some things I have done physically over the last couple of months that I feel really proud of and I realized that the list of mini goals attained recently is pretty long! Waaahhoooo!
Rope climb, chest to bar pullups, strict pullups, 2 ring dips, seated muscle ups, pr's on my run times and some of my lifts, faster burpees, box jumps again like it's nbd (aka I don't fear the box anymore!), skin the cat, L sit ring hold... well that's what I can think of right now.  I'm proud and excited to see what tomorrow brings.

I also went through to have a read at my posts since I started this blog.  I really wanted to take this blog in a direction to help people not just be a random cyber diary of blah blah blah.  I have to stream line the direction I want to head and will try to pull together the pieces of how I started to make changes.  Sometimes I will share awesome recipes from my kitchen that are gluten/sugar and dairy free.  Dairy free is not always the case for my by the way.  I only cook that way because our daughter has a dairy allergy.  I still have cream in my coffee, 18% cream, ya thats right! I don't fear good cheese, yoghurt or whip cream.  I do not like drinking milk, unless it's chocolate of course.  Ok back on topic, I venture to post cool things that keep me motivated, like wods at midnight and random bits and bobs that contribute to the success in my physical and mental evolution.  So, bear with me while I learn to be concise and stick to an outline.  Neither are strong skills for me. I like to add my own extra words in a song and colour pictures outside the lines, maybe adding in a tree, with a swing and a happy little pony eating an apple.

A parting thought that I hope more and more the mainstream "fitness" industry works to promote is the importance of letting go of the dated concept of "leaning out". I want to be built for excellent performance and whatever that genetically looks like on me, I"ll take it :)


I hope all of you love bigger, laugh more and set new Fran PR's in 2011!!

Learning to Let Go and Thrive!

Peeps in the back ground, me sporting new diamond earrings! Merry Christmas :)

Sooooo, my intentions of sharing my journey of weight loss and adventures went side ways.  I found myself unable to communicate the changes as they were happening because I really only had energy to keep moving forward everyday.  I have had Writer's block, editing block, picture taking block, heck even fictional reading block. Boooo!! I LOVE doing all those things but any kind of mental effort required beyond counting my reps in WODs or making up a grocery list was just too much effort at all.

One reason, I'm sure, was my silly hang up with "doing things perfect".  Who's standard? My own obviously.  I am someone who only likes to do a project if I know I can make it absolutely perfect. What is my definition of perfect? Well if I wouldn't buy it, read it, give it or want it.... it's less than professional and therefore not perfect. What comes from that? A life time of procrastination, unfinished projects, unsent gifts and cards(sometimes I just couldn't find the "perfect" words to write in a card!) and therefore missed memories. It makes me sad really.  One thing I have learned about myself over the last few months of huge personal growth and change is this: Let Go. Everyday I find myself having to face the workings of a mind that likes to please everyone, be everything, anticipate and fill every need then still expects to get a good sleep at night. So I have to constantly remind myself to Let Go. It's my little sanity mantra for the next while until it becomes second nature. Here are some questions for you;  What do you Let Go of? How do you Let Go?

1) What do you Let Go of?

I've decided, anything that creates stress in my mind and therefore body!! Well let's be realistic, somethings you have to face and deal with. For example, your dog breaks his leg and you have to get him to the emergency pet hospital after hours. Are you really going to put him down and say, "sorry pup, I'm making a choice to Let Go of stress so you're on your own dude!", obviously not! You have to face the situation but you can Let Go of guilt, money panic and your own fear of incompetent vets.  Those emotions won't serve you and if you are a faithful follower of Cesar Milan, they certainly won't serve your dog in a healthy balanced way either. Catch my drift here? So what am I working on letting go of? haha the list is loooong my friends! The depths of my own mind's created chaos runs deep but here are a few things.

Some things I have Let Go of successfully that were everyday stress sources for me:

Massive fear of terminal cancer, fear of food, fear of the scale, anger at my mom, anger regarding my brothers death, the act of mourning my brother, hating my image in the mirror, telling myself I'm disgusting and not worth the effort, looking for symptoms of being sick.

Few things I have almost Let Go of but still have to stop and work through:

Feeling I have to fill every need and demand, saying no and not feeling guilt, my to do list obsession, over thinking conversations and fearing that I somehow might have offended someone during said convo (weird right!?), anger at injustice.

2) How do you Let Go?

This is a work in progress for me. I take a big deep breath and ask this: Am I stressed about this thought/task/situation? If yes, you need to let it go. I start by recognizing the stress and then looking at the way it is serving me. For example,  a dead line that is stressing me out can be very motivating to complete the job so that's a good thing. I can create more stress though by feeling that not only do I have to meet the deadline but I also have to tick off 5 things on my list of other things to do. This is not a good thing and usually has me running around completing nothing and feeling like a failure. Then I ask,  what is the priority? The project deadline. What else must I do in the day that is absolutely necessary? Walk the dog and feed the family. Reduce the stress further by saying "Sorry family, Momma is busy with a big priority today and we are eating pizza tonight." I let go of clean the bathrooms, call my mom, unpack the boxes from our move last week and "I must make a home cooked meal otherwise I will be considered a lousy mother and wife and all other 25 items on the list.

Where is this blog topic going? Back to why I haven't been writing, shooting, editing or creating.  What was the priority? Fitness of body and mind. What had to be cut off the to do list? Everything besides basic human needs for myself and my family. Seriously. Everything else was a distraction.  To make the big changes I was looking for I had to give big effort. That commitment to self has been paying off for sure!! I'm 25lbs less and 4 sizes smaller but most importantly I look in the mirror and smile :) How I learned to smile before the weight came off... thats another blog topic!

Running 800's with a Yorkie is not a good idea ;)

NOTE: found this as a draft from back in June!! Thought I would post it now anyway. 

My little guy, Captain Awesome

So here is my work out from yesterday:
800m Run x 4 with a 4min rest in between each run. For time.

My results were as follows:
5:36
4:22
4:17
3:56

I ran this first 800m with my dog, a Yorkie named Captain Awesome. he doesn't like to run :) I think he knew I needed a slower pace out the gate to get my legs under me! Thanks CA!!  My second run felt surprisingly ok.  Let me state that at 175lbs, my body hates running! I used to love the feeling of freedom in hitting the road with long powerful strides while my mind took off to comfortable relaxing places and my body instinctually moved.  Now I have a slower than snails pace with short choppy strides. I breathe like I imagine a rutting pig would and since I forgot my music I was forced to listen to it! Gah!! I have had a continuous battle with my shorts crawling up my inner thighs exposing me so every 5th stride is a slight leg kick out to the side to release the shorts from the trapping of my thighs.  Its a weird bizarre looking gait I'm sure. I hope it looks like I'm happily skipping along and doesn't look like the tragic struggle it really is!  Last week I went out and bought a pair of tight "yoga material" shorts with the intention of finding a short that wouldn't creep up..... it worked and freed my mind to focus on running, not on feeling exposed. Anyway, back to running: the third run was tough but I shocked myself by improving on the time again. Sooooo for my 4th run I set out to crack the 4 min mark.  I almost quit half way through!! This moment of desperate desire to quit but not giving in is what brings me to my choice of topic today.

Getting your mind healthy and believing you are capable and worth it!!

I am now 8 weeks into this latest commitment to physical activity.  Starting and stopping has been a constant  5 year struggle.  I always do too much too soon and end up injured or waaaaay too sore.  This go around I have my husband training me and taking the tough choice of how to scale my WOD's (workout of the day) out of my hands.  Even trainers need trainers. 

Starting here.....

So what prompts some one to start a blog?? Obviously different reasons fuel different people.  My motive…to share my journey of weight loss, fitness goals, food planning and lifestyle changing with whom ever cares to read it.  Why?  Because I think when we struggle with certain things we tend to feel alone.  At least that’s how I feel a lot of the time.  I battle daily with the temptation of food choices, priorities and motivation.  I am the mother of a fit athletic daughter, the wife of a fit athletic man and CrossFit gym owner. I am CrossFit certified in Level 1 Coaching and Olympic lifting. I am friends with handfuls of really stinking fit people, including the Fittest Woman in Canada.  You would most likely expect to meet me and shake hands with a lean fit woman. I am not lean or fit and that is where I feel alone.  I tell clients you need two base things to be successful in your fitness goals.  Patience and commitment.  Neither of those things I have given myself.  I have stopped training people until I reach my own goals.  How can I expect clients to implement the tools I give them if I’m not making use of those tools myself?  Although I am a wealth of knowledge and fitness passion under this shell, my book is wrapped in a cover that doesn’t portray the accurate contents.  Yes we all judge a book by its cover…. Especially in the health and fitness world. Soooooo, here is where I address my hang ups, fears and self sabotage and bring to life the things I have been dreaming about achieving over the last several years. 

Weightloss:

I miss being healthy and confidant.  I miss the feeling of jeans that slide on effortlessly and seductively over your hips, hugging your body in all the right places with nothing hanging over the top. They button up with ease and in fact, although tight on your quads, they fit loose on your waist and hips.  Simplicity of a soft, worn white tshirt, just long enough to reach the top of your jeans.  It doesn’t need to be any longer because if it rides up a bit….. what's underneath is sexy and lean.  Sitting down with out a belt buckle digging into your stomach and leaving an imprint that only fades after a nights sleep. I miss the feelings of soft supple skin instead of lumpy rough skin on my butt cheeks.  How about the luxury of a morning stretch and running your hand across your lean abdomen, just because if feels good!  Freedom of jumping and not worrying about you belly popping out of your shirt.  The look a man gives as he admires your physique, not in a rude way but just pure open appreciation.  The toughest part of trying on a bathing suit was picking the colour.   Wearing shorts and sitting down without worrying about cellulite squishing and someone noticing.  Sweating during a workout and having your t shirt left wet in the armpits and low back area…. Not a big damp spot from your belly button.   Smooth skin… did I already mention that?? Turning on the bathroom fan so the mirror doesn’t fog up because you don’t mind the view when you step out of the shower.  Short shorts in the summer.  Yes I have spent the majority of my life lean enough to know these statements intimately and in fact instinctively.  It sometimes happens that I will be walking along, confidant and loving life, when I catch a reflection of myself in a store window and it stops me dead in my tracks.  When did I get fat?? How did I get here? I assure you I didn’t set out to be fat.  This wasn’t my plan. I try to run fast and am shocked to feel the weight slowing me down.  My brain forgets the limitations of this shell I’m living in.  There is an athlete under here I swear.  Most of the people in my life now have only known me for the past 6 years and at this size so I imagine I look normal to them.. To me… I look like a different person.  They don’t know that I used to run sand sprints at the river for fun, shoot hoops, play soccer, kick box,  bike ride, walk every where, swim frequently and work out all the time.  How would they…. My body tells another story.  The journey of how I got here… Irrelevant right now.  Just know that 6 years ago I stopped moving my body .  Within 6 months I had put on 45-50 pounds.  I have gone up and down 10 and 20 pounds but always coming back to where I am now.  With aprox 32% body fat and aprox 50 pounds over weight, I am actually classified as obese.  WHAT !!?? Keep in mind for the majority of my life I have had to eat major amounts of calories just to maintain a healthy weight and now, I’m obese.  I don’t make any apology for talking about the view, feel and discomfort of being over weight.  My intention isn’t to hurt anyone but to give you my true observations so that you might know that you’re not alone.  My 50lbs to lose is the same as another persons 100lbs and as another’s 10lbs.  Yes it is, mentally.  It’s all relative.  Sure the 100lbs person has a further physical way to go but mentally the journey is the same.  Helpless, frustration, not know where to start or what to do.  I guarantee you those 3 people have the same struggle with their body image. 

My commitment to this permanent change started in January 2010 with the choice to eliminate gluten from my diet, followed by sugar and now dairy.  I make a few exceptions along the way. I will blog more on that later.  In March 2010 I was shocked that those dietary changes didn’t have any impact on my weight at all.  That’s when I made the commitment to training regularly again.  Here we are June 2, 2010 and a few pounds have moved off but hardly any.  Enter in my “estrogen dominant state”.  Yes, there is a legit reason for holding the weight.  Another blog topic!! I have made some great leaps and bounds mentally and I hold desperately to the science that tells me if I just keep moving I will see change.  If I let go of that I have nothing but a hopeless state of acceptance.  I cannot live well and thrive with that thought so I refuse to believe that I was meant to remain in this state of obesity for the remainder of my life.

So there you go.  Join me on my journey.  Along the way I plan on changing a few things and passing on the things that work and things that don’t work.  I have some goals I would like to share and a keen interest to know what is working for other people.  Plus I’m actually kinda funny so you might get a few laughs along the way!! Comments and debate are always welcome as long as they maintain respect for others.  Thanks for spending some time with me!